Imagine this scenario. You’re 9 years old and just coming home from school. It was a great day at school because you and all your friends wore pajamas. Even your teacher dressed up and brought special snacks for the class to eat. You can’t wait to tell Mom and Dad all about it.

But when you open the front door, you hear a commotion coming from the kitchen. You soon realize that your parents are shouting at each other over something. It wouldn’t be the first time; they’ve argued with each other on and off ever since you can remember. You eventually make it to the kitchen doorway, and to your horror, you see Dad throw a punch at Mom.

Suddenly, it’s no longer a good day. You forget all about pajama day, your friends and teacher, and your eyes fill with tears wondering if Mom is OK.

Domestic violence affects everyone, but especially the kids. Stories like the above are sadly too common, with many of us knowing a friend or loved one who went through something similar, or saw firsthand domestic violence at home. According to the PA Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 119 Pennsylvanians died from domestic violence last year, leaving behind children in many cases.

It is vital that victims not only gain access to the resources and courage that it takes to escape the deadly cycle of domestic violence, but also that they check in on their children’s wellbeing after having witnessed a traumatic situation. Children are much more perceptive and aware of situations than adults may realize, and they may even internalize traumatic experiences and form harmful coping strategies.

Children and Domestic Violence

When there is domestic violence/intimate partner violence in the home, children are “silent witnesses.” Children pay attention to what is happening within their environment and are insightful and perceptive, often communicating their awareness and reactions in their behaviors. Here are some ways that children may react to violence in the home:

• Act withdrawn or as if the abuse is no big deal.
• Suffer from trouble sleeping or nightmares.
• Experience loss of appetite, stomachaches, or headaches.
• Become anxious, fearful or moody, and worry about your safety.
• Demand adult attention and misbehave when they don’t get it.
• Argue or fight with other children, become violent, or bully other kids.
• Exhibit dating violence – mistaking jealousy and controlling behavior for love.
• Use drugs or alcohol, run away from home, or get into trouble with the law.

Factors like your child’s age, relationship with the abuser, type of abuse, and availability of other supports can affect the impact on the child.

How You Can Help

• Provide a chance to talk about the violence. When children share their worries, they feel less alone. Ask how they are feeling and really listen.
• Let them know you love them and want to keep them safe. Make a safety plan for yourself and your children. Choose the safest time to leave, and figure out where you will go and how to get there. Keep important papers (including your children’s health and school records), keys, a set of clothes, and some money with someone you trust. Domestic violence programs can help with safety plans.
• Be realistic. Don’t make promises to children (“I won’t ever go back to them…” or “We will be safe now…”) that you may not be able to keep. Reassure them but be realistic in what you tell them.
• Understand their feelings. Children often feel guilty when they cannot stop the abuse and also when they have good feelings toward the abusive parent. Children often feel confused, overwhelmed, anxious, and unsure of their feelings toward both parents. They may grieve the loss of a parent when/if they become separated from them.
• Reassure your children that the abuse is not their fault. Children who witness violence often struggle with confusion and fear and they may not have the words to describe what they’re feeling. Reassure them that the witnessed abuse is not caused by them in any way. Do your best to build a loving, peaceful home for your children. Parenting classes and support groups can help you to be a consistent, nurturing parent.

If you are being abused, please seek the help you need. Whenever possible, contact domestic violence programs before you are in a crisis or emergency. Call or visit the following resources for help:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline – 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY) or live chat at https://www.thehotline.org/
• PA Coalition Against Domestic Violence – www.pcadv.org